Accidental Eavesdropping
by Candide Avedo
Summary: Havoc hears something he thinks he shouldn't have during after-hours... Which he could only describe as horrific.  What do you, the readers, decide?  Written solely for amusement. R&R!


**Author's Note:** [March 2, 2011] What does a girl, who's got nothing much better to do around the house, do? Well, I decided to write another Roy & Riza fic... Because I recently went and watched Brotherhood and loved it. Roy and Riza now officially have a special place in my thoughts/heart.

So, with that said- please treat my baby gently... The title says it all.

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**Disclaimer**: I, Candide Avedo does not own anything that has to do with FMA.

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**Accidental Eavesdropping**

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Jean Havoc was not a forgetful man. He was rarely irresponsible and never jumps to conclusions without knowing all facts. And so it was a sad day that Havoc discovered he had left his hat in the office- just when the cold season had set in, and the winter air wouldn't hesitate to bite his ears.

Looking forward to head home and warm up, Jean made his way through the building towards the office he was constantly working in. In his usual casual swagger Havoc passed fairly few personnel whom were on their way home. The dim hallway lights barely illuminated the place, especially when sunlight was absent in the late hours. A chemical smell that custodians often used on the floor filled his nose. He had to get out before his senses grew numb from it's stench.

Havoc turned around the corner, spotting the familiar doors to the office. As he drew nearer however he found the door ajar...

-Thump-

Silence.

-Thump-

Suspicion caused Havoc to walk faster. Was there someone in the room? Some vandal creating a mess inside the Colonel's office? Worse yet, it could be a spy who broke into the office and now rummaging through their private documents!

Abruptly the thumping sounds ceased before Havoc could make out exactly how many people were in there.

Jean was about to burst through the office door to show whoever it was in there that ''Havoc'' was not _just_ his last name, when familiar voices caused him to freeze simultaneously.

''Put your back into it!'' Riza Hawkeye's voice came out sternly from beyond the wall.

''You gonna tell me how to do THIS too? We're supposed to move together!'' the familiar voice of his Colonel replied back, sounding heavily annoyed.

''I WILL if you step on my foot!'' snapped back the Lieutenant.

Judging by their close proximity to Havoc in the room, they were merely on the other side of the wall. Jean frowned. _What in the world is going on in there? Some sort of fight?_ Indeed, _were_ the Colonel and Lieutenant locked in some sort of heated argument that involved unfinished documents?

Not looking forward to walking into something that would and could possibly hurt, Havoc settled to listen and make sure everything was alright.

Then, his ears picked up a faint sound; something similar to heavy grunts. Again, with a loud sound that made Havoc jump in surprise, the thumping returned.

''It's bigger than I imagined.'' Riza said, through the heavy thuds. Her voice sounded strained.

''I thought you wanted a _big_ one, Lieutenant.'' replied Roy. He too, sounded as if he were having trouble with something.

Another grunt, and then a loud groan. Adding to the slight commotion, there was the strange sound of clothing being heavily pressed and dragged across the wall. ''Too big and then it won't fit, Colonel!'' Riza exclaimed, her voice a little higher than the usual.

_What the- What the HELL were they doing? Something's too BIG? _A small *click* of comprehension and possibility dawned inside Havoc's mind. The thumps, the groans, the grunts... against the wall...

_No, No, NO!_ He shook his head feverishly, trying not to jump to conclusions; something he has never done before. There had to be a _logical _explanation for this.

''If you move your hand, maybe I can help you out.'' The Colonel's voice came through the slightly open door again, however Havoc noticed that it came out in a snarl.

''I'm not sure, I'm too tight over here already.'' gasped out the Lieutenant, sounding as if she had trouble breathing, perhaps pressed against something that prevented her from moving-

Havoc shook his head again, eyes wide. Oh sweet je- Whatever he was hearing, it was impossible! Preposterous! _ The Lieutenant and Colonel are doing unspeakable things in the office! At an alarming volume, too! _He had to get out of there- Havoc knew the Colonel had the potential to be as perverted as possible but the Lieutenant? Absolutely untrue-

''Let's *pant* just do this *pant* quickly.'' gasped Roy, his voice coming from a much lower angle than the Lieutenant's.

''I don't know, my hands are too slippery.''

-or it could be completely true and he was in denial. Havoc backed away from the door mortified, eyes wide, colour drained from his face. Did the composed and solemn Riza Hawkeye have a side to her that she never reveals to anyone?

''This is an awkward angle, Roy- awful body mechanics. I'm going to be sore tomorrow.''

Havoc almost exclaimed loudly. It sounded as if the Lieutenant DID have a side... a _naughty _side that only the Colonel could bring out...

If they *were* fornicating like rabbits inside the office, what the HELL was he still doing listening?

''Hmm. *grunt* I see what you mean, *heavy exhale* Lieutenant. Well don't hurt yourself. *pant* There's a reason why men do most of the rough stuff.'' was it just Havoc's imagination, or did Roy's voice sounded a little more aggressive than before?

A breathy, feminine groan emitted from the wall followed by a surprised gasp.

''Well whatever. *pant* I couldn't leave without helping you with your _problem _now, could I?'' Riza's voice sounded amused, even... in a teasing tone? This was something that the person opposite their wall didn't want to hear details about.

Maybe he could shut the door closed quickly, and run like heck before they could see him? Highly unlikely that he could shut the door and not be heard. Havoc found himself blush heavily at the mention of the Colonel's 'problem'- and pinched himself roughly.

''My back is sore from bending over.'' said Riza, a few moments later. She sounded fatigued.

_Bent over what way, exactly?_

''Mine too. Want to switch positions?'' Roy offered, in a conversational manner.

''Yes, you be at the wall, I will be at the front?'' added Riza. There was the rustling of clothing again against the wall.

''Try not to bend your back so much, and use your knees.'' directed the Colonel.

Havoc choked. Use your _knees_? They're doing something that involved _knees_? Again, he asked himself: _Why in damnation am I still LISTENING_?

''Okay, ready. Let's try it again.'' More pants followed from the Colonel, followed by grunts, heavy thuds on the wall, and heavy breathing.

Poor Jean Havoc fought hard against the image of a naked Riza Hawkeye, limbs entangled around the seductive Roy Mustang, their skins reddened and glistening with sweat- Havoc felt a cold trickle leave his nose and travel around his lip.

He tasted blood. Damn, now he had a nosebleed. He frantically searched then found a handkerchief in his pocket, then pinched the bridge of his nose, and held the cotton below his nostrils.

Curse the subtly sexy Lieutenant, and her overly-horny superior.

Another extra-loud *thump* echoed through the wall. ''OUCH! Not so hard!'' Riza yelped, sounding distressed. There was a dangerous mental image of the Lieutenant positioned in a way that displayed her hidden talent of flexibility...

''Sorry, Lieutenant, I'm just used to rushing things.'' replied Roy, indeed sounding apologetic. Roy Mustang presumably teaching the conservative Lieutenant how get in touch with her feminine side by seducing her into a jello-like state and dominating her into submission.

Havoc felt his handkerchief dampen immediately, his nosebleed doubling in flow. _Shit, Shit, SHIT_. The hat was long forgotten. It was next to impossible to retrieve the hat, especially now that the two seemed to be engaged in some kind of rough play that MAYBE involved a master and servant type of relationship-

He banged his head to the wall in frustration. An overactive imagination wasn't helping the situation.

Of course, the two figures beyond the wall were oblivious to the noise he made. Jean felt the faintest signs of light-headedness.

''I-I can't hold on anymore, Sir!'' a panicked Riza gasped out. She really did sound uncomfortable, and- desperate? As if she were reaching a high plateau of-

''It's okay, *grunt* Lieutenant. Don't hold it too long- *grunt* just let it go and I'll follow.'' Roy replied, through what seemed to be gritted teeth.

_Oh fuck this! I'm outta here! _

Feeling the blood literally drain from his head, Havoc turned tail and ran, purposefully forgetting his hat. The only real reason he came back. There was no need to hear anymore, he was in danger of passing out from the lack of blood. It was his bad luck to discover the two figures now having uncontrolled, carnal sex inside their office.

THEIR. OFFICE.

-and fucking themselves senseless.

_They better not touch my hat_...

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The next day proved to come all too-soon for Jean Havoc. He arrived early that morning, hoping to grab his hat quickly, and avoid being seen by any of his work colleagues. All for the purpose of calling in ill that day. The plan was to go home and do whatever it took to remove those images imprinted in his brain.

To his dismay however, two people were inside the room when he arrived. The two people he couldn't stand to face at this time. Havoc schooled his face to be calm and forcing his mind to stay... clean...

''Good morning Havoc.'' greeted Roy calmly, who was sitting at his desk. He had a steaming cup of coffee, freshly made.

''You're early today, aren't you?'' asked Riza, who was standing beside the Colonel's desk. With similar baggy eyes, both of them appeared to not have slept well at all the night before. Havoc deeply doubted the two slept at ALL.

To be precise it would have to be three of them... Havoc didn't sleep well either. It was a different kind of frightening, what he experienced.

Havoc opened his mouth to greet them.

''I HEARD YOU TWO WERE DOING STUFF IN THE OFFICE LAST NIGHT!'' his mouth uttered the words that were echoing multiple times a second in his brain, over-riding his common sense. It caused him to say things that he didn't desire to let out.

Roy and Riza both exchange weird stares, alarmed by his outburst. A silent moment passed. Lieutenant Hawkeye shrugged her shoulders.

''Want to hear how we succeeded on completing the task, Lieutenant Havoc? I'm sure you're wondering how.'' Roy was calm and collected as usual, with a hint of pride in his voice.

Brief recollections of their grunts and pants caused Havoc to stay speechless. Completed the _task_? Since when was kinky wall-sex considered a task? Even when he deeply respected Hawkeye and Mustang, somehow he couldn't look at the two the same way again- not for a very long time.

Riza frowns at the sudden change in Havoc, looking heavily concerned. ''Are you alright?'' She approached him carefully. ''Why didn't you come in? We could have used another hand.''

''Fuck, are you SERIOUS? You two are crazy- I'm out of here!'' The response from Jean was not what they expected however, yelling a profanity rarely heard from the man. He turned tail and burst through the door out of the office, muttering to himself rapidly.

Staring at the open door, mouths opened wide in surprise, both Riza and Roy were puzzled and heavily confused.

''Sir, I'm concerned for the welfare of Lieutenant Havoc. I can't comprehend why he's so jumpy these days. Adding that outburst, my concerns are justified.'' Riza had closed the door shut, and returning to her place beside Roy's desk.

The Flame Alchemist nodded in agreement. ''I agree. Why do you think a simple task like helping to move a cabinet against the wall would scare him off?''

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**Author's Note**: I totally didn't think I could pull this off, but I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had typing it out. Should I apologize for my perverted mind?

Okay, now I've done my job, now it's your turn- R&R!

C.A. [March 2, 2011]


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